How it Feels To Lose A Friend

Day 4 into the New Year and i feel like there are people who are precious to me slowly walking out of my life. It pains me and scares me and upsets me because i don't know what i have or have not done.

Maybe i was toxic.

Well if you are my good friend, you would know that i'm no good with words and therefore, if any of you ever reads this, this post took the words right out of me. https://thoughtcatalog.com/nikita-gill/2017/02/here-is-how-it-feels-to-lose-a-friend/

But really... stay if you can. It's been tough and I need strength and courage and friends. 

2017

I'm having one of those nights where I just want to lie down and stare into space but I can't because there are a million things to think about.

I think about how lucky i am to have gotten closer to some of my friends this year. I think about how lucky I am to have met people with kind hearts who gives a shit about how i actually feel. I think about how lucky I am to be able to experience 4 music festivals this year and made some new friends through these festivals. Most of all, I think about how lucky I am that my family and friends are healthy and mostly happy.

I think about the number of times i cried this year and the reasons I was crying and the people who were there to tell me that everything is going to be okay and I think about whether or not they would let me do the same for them when they feel like shit themselves because i would do that for them and i hope that they know that.

I think about what i am going to do next year after i leave my job. I hope i'll be happier and I hope that everyone will be happier and that we will all still be friends and I hope that i've done enough during the time i was there.

I think about how shitty of a daughter i have been the past 2.5 years and I want to know how I am going to change that but I don't have an answer just yet. I think about my promises to people and I wonder if i am able to keep all of them. 2018 has got to be better. I have got to be better for it to be. and I wonder if i can be. better.

Goodbye, The Year Of Endurance

2016, You have been a crazy ride. But thank you for the emotions you put me through, because then i know i am alive. Thank you for the lessons and thank you for the friends that i managed to keep. Thank you for great adventures and thank you for keeping my family healthy. Thank you for teaching me endurance and positive thinking. Thank you for the ups and also for the downs.

Last year saw me through many new adventures:

- Went to Bali for the first time
- Tried surfing
- Conquered a mountain
- Went to Japan Twice
- Tried a pachinko machine
- My First Ultra Music Festival
- My First Zoukout
- Been a part of a Bridemaids team for the first time
- Learnt to skateboard
- Held a hedgehog in my hands
- Dived in Malapascua and saw Tresher sharks
- Dived in Moalboal and swam with sardines
- Moonrocked
- Made some new friends
- Said goodbye to some friends
- Set up 4 stores and closed down 1
- Got a Tatt

It feels like a really short year. probably because i should've done alot more than what i did but i'll leave the rest to this year. 2017 is going to be the year of transition. This is the year i turn 25 and i finally feel old.

Somethings i really should try to accomplish this year:

- Try to ride a motorbike
- Go on a overseas trip with the family
- Less smoke less party less pointless dates
- Be able to reward myself with a new bottega wallet at the end of the year
- Less spending on things i don't need
- Go on a trip with Mad
- Less angst, less judgement and less gossip
- Fall in love
- Be stronger and don't let anyone who doesn't matter put my down
- A new Tattoo
- More honesty with myself
- Tomorrowland??
- Go on a solotrip during my birthday

I feel like the year is going to be a great one. I hope this feeling is right:)